Tears of Yesterday
by Beckon
Summary: He was gone. She knew that. But was life supposed to be this difficult now that she had to move on?


**A/N: Not even sure if I can explain this one. This is yet another one of my couples and I actually only started to like them recently, and for some reason, this idea popped almost instantly into my head. I wish that would work for my other couples, but I'm kind of screwed there lol. Also just as a heads up, oddly enough Soifon is not one of my favorite characters but I seem to write about her a bit more than I really should be, but I haven't quite grasped her character just yet, so still working on that one. **

"I wish we could go back to what we were before…"

That early morning sun found her standing on the roof of her Division House to overlook the orange and pink splattered horizon in front of her. A cool breeze stirred up the ends of her dual wrapped braids as she lifted her head slightly to the clear, cloudless sky above.

This was the first time in months it seemed that she was able to come back up here. There were countless nights where she stood on these slightly worn down shingles and resisted the urge to scream out into the midnight silence. Just to be surrounded by an unknowing darkness and pretend that if she reached out far enough, that she could find him again; that somewhere out there, he was waiting for her to find him again.

It was stupid.

She didn't cry over him; she didn't even show any fucking remorse. To anyone out there, she was the same woman she always had been. She was the female Captain who seemed to make it a goal in life to make everyone's day a living hell over and over again. She was the fucking leader of the Black Ops who appeared to be just as heartless as those Godforsaken Hollows. That was who she was and that's what she did. No one gave a shit if they didn't see her greeting the morning like she always did with a bad attitude towards the oncoming day. No one cared if she just decided to spend the morning walking around Seireitei or venturing even further out past that.

But, damnit, she did…

She only gave a flying fuck about it because she spent every morning trying to hide away from the sun. Every new day was something she tried to avoid and something she tried to deny in the back of her mind. Because every new day was just another day she didn't have him; another day where she had to accept the reality around her. Where she had to accept the fact that he wasn't coming back and he never would.

"But I don't think I love you anymore…"

_Their mission was to go out into what seemed like the far reaches of nowhere and scout out for Hollow movement. She made a remark on the absurdity of the mission and he replied that she was simply use to her extravagant living and couldn't adapt to the unforgiving environment around them. They argued their pasts and argued directions all the while maintaining a crumbling working relationship. _

_She spat that a disabled man couldn't even see the struggles of life._

_He asked how she could be so blind with sight. _

_They both walked out after that mission with the glass wall between them shattering piece by piece. _

"You're back out here."

She didn't have to turn back at the voice to know who it was. The shingles shuddered slightly underneath his massive weight as he stood beside her and dropped a shadow over her tiny form. "I didn't think it made much of a difference."

A heavy sigh depleted itself from his chest and left him. "There are certain noises you hear in the morning and at nights; you notice when one day they switch."

Closing her dark eyes, she let out her own sigh and tilted her head back to roll out the painful crick in her neck. "Why?"

"It's a natural reaction." he spoke; placing one hand on her shoulder. "The only thing we can do is…not look back in anger."

_It was like they just couldn't let it go. No matter where they were or who was around, or what the situation was, they always started a brief quarrel. Once was even during a Captain's meeting, which almost resulted in the both of them being kicked out of it. If anyone asked, they simply put it off as a minor altercation that should be overlooked. _

_Oh but how she couldn't just let it go. Something about that man got underneath her skin and drained her like a parasite. It wasn't like, given the chance, she would attack him and make it look like an accident; while it was tempting, something about him didn't call for physical violence- just a few verbal exchanges and threats were enough to satisfy. _

_The glass wall shattered into even more pieces._

"I want to though." she spoke. "I want to blame him…"

"Blame will only hold us back. Resentment will never allow us to find the peace that we want to seek." he replied. "Eventually…you must learn to forgive."

A sharp click of the tongue escaped her before she could prevent it. "Look at me. Does it look like I've ever forgiven someone before in my life? The things I had to do to get here…I'm like the bodily form of anger and resentment. Forgiveness is not in my blood and it is not in my rules. I can forget…but I won't forgive."

"Soifon…" he sighed.

"I've had a lot of problems in my life." she started. "Why did it take a blind man to make me see them?"

"You can only do so much by yourself. Sometimes it takes another person to walk into your life and show you something you never knew."

She dropped her eyes back to the restoring horizon before she slowly placed her hand against his own. "Thank you Komamura."

_There was a drastic change as time passed and fate seemed to slowly put them in more situations together again and again. She slowly began to respect him at least on a professional level and somewhere along the way it narrowed down to a personal level. Yes, they still had their arguments, but at this point, they could hold back their harsh tongues and turn it around into a somewhat peaceful discussion; although it was often times expressed in loud voices. However, instead of storming off in opposite directions afterwards, they slowly resorted to small talk and the complete absence of anger. _

"How do you…not blame someone?" she questioned. "How do I make that kind of step?"

"It's not easy and for you…it's never too late to learn but I don't know if it will survive back to this situation." he started. "I think the most you can hold is the understanding and the strength to turn away from it with a clear conscious. There was nothing for us to do, which means we can look back on this with a touch of sadness and nothing else. Maybe grief and acceptance but we should never look back on it in anger. That will only lead to the deterioration of our souls. " he took a pause as his ears perked up at the sound of the morning birds chirping away in the distance. "We all wish that things could've been different but we don't have the power to do that."

A low chuckle left her lips; it wasn't out of humor or even with a satirist tone but it almost seemed masochistic-like. "It's a childish world in which we ask ourselves: how strong do I have to be? Where can I find that kind of power to change things?"

"Unfortunately, that kind of power is nonexistent."

"I think at one point it was existent…and I think we destroyed it."

_One evening found them both sharing the same rooftop as they looked out to the horizon; well she watched it at least. They made small talk here or there and discussed a wide variety of things, and yet somehow managed to land on the subject of past relationships. It was awkward and reluctant at first as they both seemed to stumble over words and names trying to avoid giving anything away. It didn't matter though. They both seemed to have made a point that they wanted to live for the moment and let the past live in itself. It wasn't an easy choice for either of them but they agreed it was for the best. She turned away from a person she had dedicated her life to and he let go of someone who wasn't really his. _

_Maybe it was the progress that had been made that night, or the few shots of alcohol she had taken beforehand, but it felt like the hostilities from earlier were slowly slipping from her grasp. The world seemed calmer, the breeze was softer and the horizon was brighter._

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Don't ignore your own pain." she spoke. "You've suffered more than I have."

It was his turn to chuckle painfully. "I doubt that."

"We shared a moment that will last to the end." she replied. "You shared a lifetime."

_She lowered her guard around him despite her own struggle not to. It was too dangerous to get attached. God knows she had done so before and look where she ended up. But she ended up in those arms, staring into those milky-white eyes. She couldn't explain how it happened or when it even started but somewhere along the way, a small spark started a fire. It was simple at first. They spent time on the rooftops together, they occasionally took morning walks and sometimes even trained with one another. But…after that it turned more complicated. There was always a rush of heat and energy whenever she could pick up on his presence close by; there was always some part of her that seemed to long for him. It was reckless and stupid to expose a weakness but she found herself more and more drawn to him; he once confessed that he felt the same about her. _

_It was a rush of touches and tastes as their evening on the rooftop was cut short and finished in the bedroom. There was a mixture of tussles and rough contact that slowly sided with the gentle hands that cradled every touch. Words couldn't describe the experience, the passion and the lust. Fingers couldn't recreate the warmth and satisfaction. __The exhilaration was overpowering and like nothing that she had experienced before. She had both male and female lovers in the past…and then she had him. Maybe it was the sudden explosion of sexual tension between them, maybe it was due to their beginning brash attitudes towards each other, maybe it was because of their rough start and slur of insults that quickened heart rates and blasted through anger levels. Whatever it was…it was amazing._

_It had been quite awhile since she had last screamed like he made her scream or worked like he made her work. A long time had passed since she was last with a man but from his reactions, she sure has hell hadn't lost her touch. _

She held her hands out in front of her; feeling the cool breeze run through her fingers. "I've had so much blood on these hands and they've seen so much violence…I didn't know how to be gentle. They've been used to push so many people away, I didn't know how to pull them forward. He was teaching me how to…accept that kind of gentle touch."

"It's not too late to complete that kind of lesson."

"That would make me weak." she whispered; dropping her hands back to her sides. "And I won't be weak anymore. I literally fought Death and saw the only person I could trust die because I wasn't strong enough. I'm not blaming myself for his death; we all choose our life paths and he chose the one he wanted; the one that was right for him. I can't change that, I know. But what I can change is how I view it. And like any Captain here, I have to look at him as a traitor, just like the other two. As a Black Ops, I have to look at this in a way to enhance our security, prevent another action like this from happening and eliminate all weaknesses. As a Shinigami, I have to look at this as a reason to always exterminate Hollows. But…maybe as a woman…I can make this a step in the right direction. I can live to forget and slowly learn to forgive."

"_Thank You Kaname…"_


End file.
